Why Can't You Just Move On?

Has your spouse ever said, "Stop living in the past."

If you are married to someone that is in active addiction, recovery, or has betrayed you in one way or another 

Listen up! You're going to want to hear this

It is a pretty much universal fact that at one point or another in your marriage one spouse is going to hurt the other. If this is a major hurt, such as abuse, an affair, or an addiction (substance abuse, gambling, porn), this analogy may benefit you the next time your spouse says, "Can't you just move on already?"

Background Info. 

For our purposes we will use the hypothetical scenario that the wife is the victim and the husband has been hiding a porn addiction. Replace porn addiction with whatever issue is specific to your marriage. In our example the wife has caught her husband watching porn off and on for years. Each time he promises he won't do it again and each time she begrudgingly tries to give him another chance. A porn addiction is an especially difficult addiction for a wife to navigate, because unlike a substance addiction there is no smell of vodka and no indication that a person is under the influence. A wife is highly suspicious of activities such as hiding his phone, changing passwords, etc. but unless she is driving herself crazy checking devices all the time a porn addiction can pretty well go undetected for long periods of time. It is typically discovered when a husband slips up and forgets to delete browser history or something like that. 

Set that aside 

To continue with our hypothetical - We will say there has been two months without any "proof" that her husband has engaged in watching porn. The wife is struggling with trusting him, feeling close to him, allowing her guard to come down and so on and so forth. She sometimes tries to explain how she is feeling, but is met with the dreaded phrase, "Are you ever going to let it go?"

From the Husband's point of view

1. He is actually in recovery and does not wish to acknowledge the pain he has caused his wife, because that is uncomfortable and brings up feelings of guilt, shame and/or embarrassment. 2. He is still in active addiction and is attempting to deflect/cause a fight so he does not have to have a real conversation about the issue. 

Either way. Next time try this:

Your husband asks, "Why can't you just get over it already?" Say to your husband, "Imagine your car is having problems. The check engine light is on. You take it to the mechanic and they tell you it's all better. You get home and drive it for a week and then all of sudden the light is on again. You take it back to the mechanic and same thing. Get it home drive it for a month or perhaps even several months this time, before the light comes on again. Would you say your car is reliable? Is it trustworthy? Perhaps you have had this car for 10 years and the light comes on a few times every year. Are you concerned about your car even when the light is off? Of course you are. Based on the history of your car there are clearly underlying issues. Would you drive this car across country? Definitely not. 

This is why someone who has been betrayed cannot simply "move on"

Something major has to happen to fix this problem. Maybe we need a new mechanic (recovery program, counselor, accountability app, etc.). In addition to a new mechanic we need to see that even when the light is off there are no other indications of a problem. Not only that but to rebuild trust we need to experience our car running smoother than ever! The light is off, it's freshly washed and vacuumed every day! It looks and smells beautiful! It starts right up with gratitude and thanksgiving every morning! We can't just blindly trust that since the light is off in this moment everything is good with the car. We've done that before only to discover serious engine issues. In order to repair our confidence we need to see huge improvements to feel reassured our car is safe to drive. Not only that, but we need to drive safely in this car for a very long time, because remember there have been times when we haven't seen a light come on for a year or more and then all of a sudden it's back! That means we need to go multiple years with no light in addition to the very visual and obvious daily upkeep!

How to know when you should just buy a new car

Some husbands may say, "Well, if my car was so bad then I would just go buy a new car." That's a fair point. However, we know that all cars have issues at one time or another. Plus, you may consider, "I've already invested so much time,  effort and resources into this car. It's hard to just walk away. Besides, I love this car! I want this car! I have great memories with this car and it used to run so smoothly. I believe it can get there again! I just want it to be healthy, reliable and willing to go the extra mile!"

Maybe I don't need a car at all 

Perhaps your car really does need to be scrapped! Maybe you would rather walk than drive this broken clunker. Maybe it's more than just a check engine light. Maybe the tires occasionally blow out, the engine has caught fire and honestly, it's just too dangerous to keep driving. Don't be afraid to stand on your own two feet.

If you are struggling in your marriage please reach out. You don't have to go through this alone.

Get Help

---

Feel like there's nothing you can do to help your husband?
​That's simply untrue. Click here.

---

We hope you enjoyed today's message. Please tell someone about Your Praying Friend, but more importantly tell everyone about Jesus!